


filtered sunlight

by SEMellark



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Depression, Fluff and Angst, Future Fic, M/M, Mental Health Issues, these boys deserve the world
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-02
Updated: 2016-04-02
Packaged: 2018-05-30 20:33:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6439465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SEMellark/pseuds/SEMellark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tetsurou’s day starts much like any other, with a broken coffee mug and a locked bathroom door. Kenma plays his music too loudly as he showers, but Tetsurou decides to let him be, even as the neighbors beat the walls and the cats claw the curtains.</p>
            </blockquote>





	filtered sunlight

Tetsurou’s day starts much like any other, with a broken coffee mug and a locked bathroom door. Kenma plays his music too loudly as he showers, but Tetsurou decides to let him be, even as the neighbors beat the walls and the cats claw the curtains.

Mornings are too quiet in this tiny apartment, and Tetsurou let Kenma do what he wants for as long as he wants, because the next time could be days, even weeks from now.

Forty-five minutes pass. Tetsurou doesn’t move, sitting cross-legged in bed, still in his pajamas with fingers curled tightly around his ankles. And when the music stops, when the lock clicks, he can breathe again, and the smile he offers is sincere as Kenma steps out of the bathroom, steam dispersing in a thick cloud and water dripping off his hair and onto the carpet.

He won’t meet Tetsurou’s eyes, but their temples just barely graze as he climbs onto the bed, and it’s enough to get Tetsurou moving. He takes his turn in the shower and feeds the yowling terrors he lovingly refers to as his babies, all the while making sure to check the bedroom for any signs of movement.

And when he finally leaves for work, it’s half an hour later than usual, and he almost misses his bus.

On days like those… Tetsurou has to wonder where it all went bad. Because things weren’t always like that, surely, their tomorrows just carbon copies of their yesterdays while they wait for something lost to find its way back to them.

And he believes that it will, someday, that he’ll wake up one morning to something other than silence or a face nuzzling into his neck instead of a lump beneath the sheets that barely moves, barely even breathes. It’s just scary, sometimes, to think about what might happen when he leaves for work everyday, or when the bathroom door closes and locks from the inside.

What if it doesn’t open? What if Tetsurou comes home one day and Kenma’s just… gone?

It’s safe to say Tetsurou never thought he’d have to ask these questions, or even entertain these thoughts. Life is dumb like that, never giving anyone time to really adjust. He wasn’t prepared for this, and he can’t tell if he’s dealing with it the way he should.

What more can Tetsurou do than just keep living his life, picking up the prescriptions as needed and reminding Kenma that he isn’t stagnant, that he never _could_ be, that he’s so much more than what the little voice in his head whispers that he is.

Whether or not Kenma even hears, Tetsurou doesn’t know. But he’ll never stop trying. He’ll never give up on him.

Even so, there are times when he wants to. Kenma’s silence grates on him, and Tetsurou just explodes. Another mug destroyed, a ten-minute bout of systematic breathing on the kitchen floor when he knows Kenma is asleep.

The little moments just add up, and Tetsurou can’t help but miss his childhood friend who put up with his crazy antics in middle school, his petulant boy who would rather stay home and play Pokémon than go and hang out with the rest of their team.

They’ve always been together. They didn’t fall in love, but _grew_ into love. And now they’ve promised to face this sadness together, and it’s a vow Tetsurou refuses to break. So he won’t give up, even when it feels like he should, because Kenma is precious to him.

That isn’t to say there aren’t good days, because there are, punctuated by trips to the therapist’s office, the park, or even the pet store. Every toy the cats own has to be handpicked by Kenma specifically, and he takes this duty very seriously, asking after health and safety hazards in that no-nonsense tone of his that leaves employees shuffling away and Tetsurou struggling to contain his snorting laughter.

Those are the days when Kenma talks with Hinata, plays a video game, raids the freezer for ice cream and takes the bus nearly ten blocks to the store when he can’t find any. He’s pretty weird, but then, he has been for as long as Tetsurou’s known him.

Tetsurou has to wonder how they even became friends in the first place, what with their contrasting personalities. But maybe that’s just why they work so well. Kenma is the calm behind Tetsurou’s storm, and Tetsurou has always taken it upon himself to be brazen enough for the two of them.

They make each other better, and until recently, it seemed like things would always be that way. Now Tetsurou can’t even tell if he’s doing more harm than good.

Their friends give whatever emotional support they can, clap Tetsurou on the back and say, “Just give him a little time,” like that’s _not_ what he’s been doing for the past few years. But he doesn’t actually say that, because his mother didn’t raise him to be rude for no reason.

Well… she didn’t raise a liar either, but that doesn’t stop him from saying, “We’re fine,” whenever she asks how things are, even though Tetsurou’s almost always thinking about the lock on the bathroom door, or the rattling pill bottles in their bedside table.

And part of him does want to tell the truth, to take whatever support he can get, for both himself and Kenma. Anything to make him happy for more than just a day or a week at a time.

But this is a secret fiercely kept. Kenma’s heard it one too many times from his own parents, “Just get over it,” or “It’s really not as bad as you think,” and like hell is Tetsurou going to subject Kenma to that for just _anyone._ Tetsurou’s mother is amazing, and he loves her to death, but some things are just beyond her understanding, and this is one of them.

And yes, she knows how quiet Kenma was, is, and always will be, but this is something else entirely. Kenma’s customary quiet hides a massive shit storm now, one only Tetsurou and Hinata have seen up-close, and describing it to his mother – to _anyone_ – would be impossible, so he won’t even try.

Tetsurou will stick with the doctors and the medications they prescribe until they stop being useful. And he’s not sure what he’ll do when or if that does actually happen, but that’s a problem for another day.

After all these years, it’s just a part of Tetsurou now, Kenma’s ups and downs and Tetsurou’s own reactions to them. He still can’t really predict what Kenma will do, and sometimes it comes as a pleasant shock to see him up and moving after the worst of nights.

Tetsurou just leaves Kenma be when he asks and stays with him when he doesn’t. He curls up in bed with Kenma and the cats and clings like he used to in high school, ignoring Kenma’s half-hearted groans unless they have actual weight to them.

Sometimes he’d even let Tetsurou carry him, after volleyball practice and in the dark, and his arms and legs would close like a sprung trap around Tetsurou’s shoulders and hips. “I know you’re excited to play against Hinata at nationals,” Tetsurou would often find himself saying during his third year, “but don’t overwork yourself, alright?”

“I could say the same thing to you,” Kenma replied, utterly harassed, but it always sounded like, “You worry too much. I’m fine. I love you,” instead.

So, yeah, sometimes Tetsurou makes himself physically sick thinking about the old days, but he doesn’t dare regret them, or even try to push them from his mind. They give him hope on the worst days and warm his stomach on the better ones.

And it’s always nice to reminisce when Kenma’s coherent enough to listen. His blush is actually kind of beautiful when Tetsurou brings up their shared childhood, and he’d take a picture if only Kenma would let him. But he won’t, absolutely _refuses,_ so Tetsurou cherish those moments internally while waiting with his phone at the ready for the perfect moment to strike.

Tetsurou knows he isn’t the only person in the world who has to watch a loved one go through this, but it does feel that way sometimes. He watches depression get glossed over almost everyday, and since he knows what to look for, it’s almost too easy to pick out a random, exhausted face in the crowd.

He wonders about the ones who are stuck at home, surrounded by walls, mental and physical, that they just can’t break on their own, like an impenetrable, three-person block. And he also wonders about those who hide it so perfectly that maybe even they themselves don’t understand what’s happening to them.

It’s horrible, it’s always on Tetsurou’s mind, and he wishes it would just _stop_ , if only for a day. He wants to know what a healthy world looks like.

But it’s a long time coming. Tetsurou knows this to be true, and no wishful, roundabout thinking will change that. All he can do is look forward and live for the moments that are quiet in the wake of the rising sun, when he wakes up and finds Kenma gazing at him from his pillow, eyes warm and focused with a shaky, “Thank you,” on his lips, the lock on the bathroom door and the broken mugs the furthest things from their minds.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm Kenma


End file.
